


trio sonata

by fishcola



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Consensual bondage, Explicit Language and Sexual Content, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other, Past Rape/Non-con, Rape Recovery, but lets just blame that on memory fuckery, but no beat-by-beat rape scenes, but with issues, headcanon may deviate from actual canon, just because youre fucked up doesnt mean you cant be dtf, references to Taako/Magnus in passing, since all this takes place before the finale, taako is a fucking badass, transactional sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-01
Updated: 2019-05-01
Packaged: 2020-02-10 21:26:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18668692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fishcola/pseuds/fishcola
Summary: three movements in a minor key.taako doesn’t like dissonance, but he bears it. it’s harsh. it’s active. it’s unstable. it hurts to hear. it moves you forward. it drives you toward a resolution.





	1. tacet

**Author's Note:**

> READ THE TAGS  
> and DON'T READ THE FIC  
> if you ain't love READING V BAD SHIT  
> that happens to good elves  
> and how their friends (imperfectly) try to help.
> 
> i would steer clear if your triggers relate to any type of sexual violence OR to the type of negative self-image that sometimes results therefrom.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **tacet  
>  (eng: “(it) is silent”) ** a musical term that indicates than an instrument or voice does not sound,   
> usually for a long period of time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter contains direct references to (past) rape and present-tense tension related to sexual violence

“You’re a _cretin_ ,” Taako scoffs up at the brawny idiot warrior he’s attached himself to. His voice is acrid-sharp and vicious. He sharpens it further, because either it’ll make Magnus stop, or it’ll make this easier. “Keep your fuckin’ hands to yourself if like having fingers on them, you dipshit.” 

“Sorry,” Magnus is frustrated but also does seem sorry. A dangerous combination. Taako knows how dangerous that can be. How liking Taako and finding him frustrating combine, blend, to something different. “I didn’t mean to rip it worse. I just thought—” 

He offers the shred of Taako’s lavender shirt like a peace offering. The elf forces himself to swipe it with confident fingers, to move close and back away as if it’s nothing, as if he has nothing but contempt for this nonsense. “Don’t apologize for  _ ripping  _ it,” he growls. “I can cast  _ mending,  _ I’m not  _ useless _ . Just don’t fuckin’ touch me.” 

“Sorry,” Magnus says again. He doesn’t step away, though. The fucker is so  _ big _ . He’s just  _ looming _ . All heavy-armor and broad shoulders and rough muscly arms. He would have made a good bouncer. Taako thought he was too gentle-hearted. But maybe he’s not. It’s hard to tell. His fingers flex, like stupid strong people do when they’re thinking about where to put them. When they’re not sure what to do next. He’s definitely, definitely, definitely thinking about touching Taako again, apology or no. 

“Look, tough guy,” Taako falls into a crouch, and lets his fingers spark. It’s just for show, though. He has nothing left but cantrips, and he’s bruised to shit, and he should never have fucking agreed to this. What the fuck had he been thinking. To take a job with some guy he met in a bar and  _ hadn’t  _ fucked. “I’ll make it worth your while, if you can just  _ wait  _ a few fuckin’ hours, okay? The kid’s not at his springiest.” 

Fucking fighters. They always look so open-faced and half-angry and half-confused. You can’t even goddamn bargain with somebody like that. “I  _ knew  _ you were hurt,” the gruff voice says, kind of chiding. “You said you were  _ fine _ .” Oh, it’s gonna be  _ that  _ game, then. 

“I’m not a dumbass,” Taako flips his hair easily. “I don’t go  _ broadcasting  _ when I get injured, oh-treasured-associate. Job’s fuckin’ done, and we’re alive, thanks to me, and you got your spells so pay me and let me leave.” He hesitates, then, because this acerbic thing will work with some people, but not everyone. Better to hedge. “Or, if you’re not gonna, tell me what you want instead. I’ll, uh, give it the old college.” 

“Huh?” the fucker’s voice is confused, uncomprehending, but the hands aren’t. One’s pressing down firmly on Taako’s shoulder, and it says  _ hold still  _ in a way that only bodies can. The other one is undoing laces, pulling open Taako’s shirt properly, where the piece had ripped off before. Fuck.

Magnus hisses a long low breath out. Taako sucks one in. He knows his chest is ugly right now, bruised to shit, blood blossoming from broken vessels below the skin, but he’s not cut up much, and it might not even be a turn-off for this sanguine motherfucker who he’d thought was a real  _ nice guy  _ but who could crush goblin heads with his bare fists and laugh about getting the gore under his fingernails. Cantrips are not gonna stop him. Time for plan B. 

“You get a little worked up from the fight, gorgeous?” Taako trills, letting the words slide out his mouth around his toothy smile. He runs his fingertips, feather-light up the hairy arm that’s holding him still. “I’m sorry for bein’ a sourpuss—leftover adrenaline, yeah?” He smiles in the way he knows is prettiest but not  _ submissive _ ; the way that will make this feel more like a quick fuck between equals. “You wanna work some of it out, big fella?” 

“I—what?” Magnus stops, fingers freeze where they are. He probably hadn’t expected the elf to play along, but he wasn’t born yesterday, okay. Taako can roll with the punches. If he pulls this off right, he might even still get paid. He’s pulling off his shirt now, willingly, but not pulling away from Magnus’s hand. Don’t make him tighten his grip. Don’t make him fight you. That shit’s gonna  _ hurt _ , he could break Taako’s wrist between his thumb and little finger. But he won’t need to. The elf has this on lock. He knows just how to look up through his lashes and suck his lip wantonly and put a delicate hand on the broad chest in front of him. “Taako, what are you doing?” 

Ooh, his pupils are  _ big _ . Lusty. That’ll do. That’ll do perfect. Aggressive flirting seems to wrong-foot him, and maybe if he gets enough of daring sexy show-off, he’ll just be satisfied. Taako can lead it that way. He’s got this. He takes the hand from his chest—not the shoulder-hand, he’s not  _ stupid _ , he knows what’ll happen if he seems like he’s trying to get away—and pulls it up to his mouth, sucks greedily at the dirty fingertip. It tastes like dirt and someone else’s blood. 

“What the  _ fuck _ ,” Magnus growls, and pulls his hand away. Lets go the other one, too, actually. Oookay. Doesn’t want an enthusiastic partner, then. Fuck. “Taako, you’re  _ hurt _ .” 

“I’m all good, baby,” the elf murmurs, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet uncertainly. The fighter’s tone is careening past confused into something stranger. “I’ll bounce back if you want me to, sugar. Just say the word.” 

“You said  _ don’t touch me _ ,” Magnus says, slowly, rubbing his palms together as if he needs them warmed. Or cleaned. Like maybe he’s disgusted. 

“Aw, I didn’t mean that, honey,” Taako grins, all smiles. “Just playin’ hard to get. Taako’s  _ always  _ game.” 

“You’re lying.” The tone is sharp, and it makes him stifle a flinch. Fuck. Not that stupid, then. “You meant it.”

“Maybe you persuaded me,” Taako purrs, because god damn it  _ please  _ just let him pretend that he wants this. This sick fuck is going to—no. No. His pupils are big and he is  _ interested  _ and look, if he wants a different flavor, Taako can do that too. “I’d be a real fool to say no to a guy like you. You wanna show me how wrong I was?”  

The fighter is staring so  _ hard  _ and terrible and swirling something like lust or horror and it’s fucking  _ intense— _ and gods, Taako’s going to have to try a different tack, maybe—this feral savage look is so awful that maybe he’s guessed wrong completely—

“Am I turning you off?” he drops his voice into a breathy whisper. “Just tell me how you want me.” 

“I don’t—” the man coughs, gags actually, and shoves himself back, and fucking  _ sits down  _ on the floor, and Taako thinks he maybe could bolt but the crossbow is right there and he doesn’t know how fast on the draw… “I don’t  _ want  _ you. That’s not—that’s not why I was touching you.” 

Hmm. Taako rocks on his heels again. “Then I don’t entirely  _ capiche _ , sweetie. What’re we doin’ here.” 

“I was—I just saw you were  _ hurt _ —I wanted to see how bad—you were hiding it—” 

“You aren’t a healer, Magnolia.” Taako’s feeling himself flush now, skin growing pink with embarrassment. If he really  _ hadn’t  _ been trying to...well fuck. Embarrassing.  _ Jumpy little whore, aren’t you _ , his mind supplies. “I’m a merc, I do my job, you had your spells, and whatever else is none of your fuckin’ beeswax.” 

“S-sorry.” 

Taako flips his hair and huffs out the breath. “Forgiven. I take it I  _ am _ getting paid, then? Without any extras tacked on?” 

“Yes,” Magnus looks a little shattered. “Can I, uh. Can I give you a healing potion, though. You look busted up.” 

“I’ll take it,” Taako runs a hand across his forehead, moving aside his stringy bangs. He should probably bolt. Fuck the money, fuck this, fuck everything. But he’d  _ really  _ like to heal up, and if he doesn’t get paid he’s not gonna have a place to go, and then he’ll just be back looking for a different asshole to pay him who’ll also probably not know the meaning of  _ get your fucking hands off me _ . Better to take what he can get. Even if he doesn’t know what it’ll cost him.

Magnus moves rather slowly, up and over to his trunk. They’re just in an inn, in a cheap room Mags has been using as his home base, letting Taako crash over a couple nights while they worked this job. There’s only one bed, but Taako doesn’t take up much space on the floor, just wedges his back in the corner and folds his legs and meditates. It hasn’t been a problem, any of it. He’d thought the guy was gentle-hearted. Bashful, even. Maybe he’d been right. 

The potion is proffered. Taako grabs it, tips his hat, and downs it. Gods, that’s better. The spiraling constellation of bruising on his chest is instantly aching less, the battered blood under the skin goes from bright-red-magenta to at least a more tasteful purple-blue. 

“Thanks,” Taako says. He still hasn’t been paid, and now it looks like he was actually  _ pretty  _ hasty, in assuming the worst. Maybe he can salvage this. The elf drops himself onto the floor, crosslegged. He doesn’t love having conversations on unequal planes. “Sorry about the, um. Flirting. Didn’t meanta spook ya.” He offers a half-grin. 

“That wasn’t  _ flirting _ ,” the voice is gravelly-rough. 

Taako blinks, and tries honesty. “I didn’t think you were even smart enough to call me on my bullshit.” 

Magnus laughs without smiling. “I can be pretty fucking dense, yeah. But not  _ that  _ dense. You’re scared of me.” 

Taako waves a hand. “I’m but a humble idiot wizard, Mags. I read the room wrong. Made a fool of myself. Now all that’s left is to bounce back with my wits and endless charm.” He smiles. “The Taako special.” 

“You  _ read the room  _ that I was going to rape you.” It’s hard to hear it, slow and careful like that, like Magnus is explaining it to himself. “Why?” 

“Sweetheart,” the elf finds his knees are coming up, of his own accord, to pull into his chest. “Just let it go. I’m a little jostled at the moment, all right? Brain shook up from those big bad kicks I got.” 

“It’s because I touched you. When you said not to.” The fighter is looking at his hands. 

Taako snorts, and finds his voice is a little nasty, since he’s being made to explain. “Yeah no  _ shit,  _ Maggie. There’s usually only one thing people want when I’m out of spell slots and they’re ripping off my shirt.” 

The look of disgust. Ah, fair enough. 

“Sorry I mistook,” Taako shrug. “For what it’s worth, I didn’t think you were the type, anyway. Not really.” 

“People have done this to you.” 

Taako waves a hand, palm cupped. “You’ve seen my style now, big guy. I jump in with both feet.  _ Especially  _ for a big old beefy hunk like you.” He picks at a hangnail. “I usually make it work out good for everyone, but I get if it’s not your scene. Sorry for grossing you out. If you pay me I’ll get my ass out of here and you won’t have to think about it anymore.” 

“You didn’t—I’m not—” Magnus is  _ really  _ stammering. It’s kinda wild, that Taako’s reduced this big powerful man to such jitters. “Of course. Here’s the—” he hands over the coins. His fingers are fucking shaking. 

“Why are you so  _ freaked out _ ,” Taako says, in some surprise. Disgust he can handle, but Magnus looks like he’s afraid, or something dumb like that. “I’m not going to, like, suck your dick against your will.” 

The human winces. “Gods. No, I just—I don’t—I  _ liked  _ fighting beside you, Taako. You’re a cool guy. I wouldn’t want you to get hurt. Or to think I could...I could hurt you.” 

“Mags,” Taako says, and scrambles over just a touch, to put a hand on the larger man’s shoulder. It’s a wrench to do it, but he thinks it’ll make the guy feel better. “Don’t be an idiot. Of  _ course  _ you could hurt me. After a long rest I could probably do a number on you too, ey? But I’m not gonna. And now I’m clear that you’re not gonna. So we’re good. The other shit—” he coughs. “—that’s in the past, boyo. Nothing to worry about. It doesn’t even worry me.” 

“I have another job,” Magnus says, suddenly. “With an old friend. A dwarf. Merle. We’d love a magic-user, if you’re free. We’ve gotta take a wagon all the way to Fandalin.” 

“Great,” Taako smiles. “I’m sick of this city anyway. When do we leave?” 

“Three days,” the fighter says. “I’ll, uh. I’ll introduce you tomorrow. If you want you can keep staying with me. Or, yknow, don’t. But I can’t pay you for the delay, so—” 

A handwave. “A corner to curl up in is perfect, honey. I’ll even…” he hesitates. “I’ll even join you in your bed, if you  _ want _ . I get that you’re not gonna take it. But I can see that you—” he pauses. 

“No,” Magnus says shortly. “Please don’t.” 

“All right, then.”  


	2. caesura

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **caesura  
>  (eng: “cutting”) **a musical term that indicates a break, breath, or pause in a verse   
> where one phrase ends, and the following phrase begins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter contains explicit reference to & direct aftermath of rape.

Taako comes back to his body slowly. He’s never—well, he  _ has _ , but never like  _ that _ —never  _ casters _ — 

There’s mercy in them, he guesses, the brutal fucking beautiful bastard liches, because they leave him on the ground. He has to crawl his way back to his companions, but at least don’t  _ thrust  _ him back, face-first, to meet their  _ pity _ and their questions. He has a moment to collect himself. 

He just lets himself lie there for a while, cold and leaking, until fingers ghost up his spine. He freezes with a cry that’s more like a pathetic squeak. Oh  _ please _ — 

“Moving so  _ slow _ ,” a voice tsks—Lydia, he thinks—they sound quite alike, the two, but she is more little-girl soft. It contrasts grossly with her violence. Taako thinks she’s the worse, of the two. She’d been the one who spurred her brother on for a second round.  _ Let’s swap positions!!  _ she’d lilted, bright and sunny, while she was still buried to the hilt in Taako and he was starting to hope this might end some time soon.  _ You’ll love his tight little ass. I bet he does Kegels. _

“Don’t pretend that you didn’t want it,” she strokes up and down his ears, fingers bending the cartilage painfully, and then sticking her pointy nail inside. She’s toying with him, daring him to beg or flinch. “You liked Eddie and Lyddie, didn’t you? You think we’re pretty. You loved it. You know you can’t land a pair of hot elves like us anymore, not with how you  _ look _ . We should take pity on you and give you another taste before we let you go back.”   

“No,” Taako, then, real tears, because he can’t deny that they are beautiful. He’s used to at least knowing that the  _ one  _ thing he has in the world is his fucking face, his body, and that others want it, and that he can use that, at least. He doesn’t think Lydia even wants him, though. She just wants him to scream. “No, god, no—”

“You playing with him again?” Edward flickers back into view.

“He’s  _ boring  _ now,” Lydia trills. “He just wouldn’t  _ move. _ I think he doesn’t want to go back. I think he just wants to stay with us forever.” 

“There are worse fates,” Edward says, as Taako forces himself to his forearms, feet under himself, up we go, the kid has gotta walk this one off  _ now _ . The lich-man hums, and offers him a hand up—he takes it, even though it’s incorporeal, and it makes his toes curl, being touched by it and also not-touched. Taako hates him, hates  _ them _ , but he’s smart enough not to bite the hand that feeds him, even if it’s force-feeding him poison. At least not until he’s got his umbrastaff back.

“God, Eddie, we haven’t had one like him for a while, have we. I just want to tie him down and fuck him to death.” 

“I know you do, girly,” he laughs. “But let him spin again for it, at least.” 

“Fiiiiine,” she grunts, and lets Taako go. He sways, but stays upright. “Are you gonna go back, now,” she says sternly. “Or are you still  _ thirsty _ ?”

“Going,” Taako gasps, and to punctuate he stumbles forward. They giggle as he goes, jagged-rocking toward the door. He’s wiping off his face and trying not to puke but mostly just fleeing, fleeing, because he doesn’t want to be seen like this but it’s more terrible to be here with… with  _ them _ … for another round… 

He tumbles through the door, which dematerializes behind him, and he knows he’s a mess of blood and come and half-stripped ugly body, and he knows that when Magnus shouts in surprise and he flinches that they’ll know, they’ll both know— 

Merle is the one that catches him, though, before he lands hard on the ground. 

“Fuck,” the dwarf stutters out, and rolls him on his side, lets him curl into a ball. A mercy. Pan bless. “Fuck, Mag, stay back. He needs a minute.” 

“Can you heal him?” Magnus says desperately, from a distance. 

“Don’t waste a slot, old man,” Taako mutters, because he knows that there’s not much left in Merle, and he’ll be fine. Better to save it for when someone’s in  _ real trouble.  _

“Okay, kid,” Merle sighs, but cantrips him—quite a few times. Cleaning off the blood and everything else. Taako could to it for himself. But it’s nice, to have the cleric tend to him, pet his hair, and scrub away some of the grime. Merle’s hands don’t scare him, for some reason, when they touch his body. He also mends Taako’s clothes, which is entirely unnecessary, but sweet. “They did a number on you.” 

“I’ve had worse,” Taako coughs, and unlike Magnus, Merle doesn’t gasp. He’s doesn’t pause, and doesn’t say a word. “I can walk. Even run, if I had the right motivation.” He looks up with a savage little grin. “Plus, I can fuckin’  _ fly _ , so, you know, no big, my dude.” 

“You sure you won’t let me hit you with a cure wounds,” Merle says gently. “First level. I’ve got three more in me.” 

“Ya better save it, tiger. Taako’s good.” 

“All righty.” He pauses. “I never was a great cleric, was I. I know to save the spells for healing. But I just want to blast them with three real quick bolts.” 

“Shoula been a Pally,” Taako is forcing himself up, taking Merle’s hand. “Take out some of that aggression. We good here, pint size. Let’s go.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


With everything that happens—the death of Magnus’s body, the years off both their lives, the emergence of Barry—Taako’s glad that by the time they’re tucked back in their bunks, his private shame is long forgotten. 

It comes up in his meditations, sure, but elves don’t really have nightmares. Elves don’t really dream, at all. They just think. The thinking is just as bad, sometimes, but it’s not out-of-control and wild the way that humans get. Taako would hate to be a human. Everything Angus has told him about dreaming sounds like absolute horror. You can’t control it. The rules of the world don’t make sense. Your decisions and your desires aren’t your own. Nothing hurts, but everything’s real. 

There’s a knock on his door. 

“C’mon in, darlin’,” Taako calls, assuming it’s Ango. He might have scheduled a lesson with the little twerp, for all he remembers. It’s very late, but they’ve been doing astronomy at midnight. He doesn’t keep track. The kid just shows up, and looks so heartbroken if Taako tries to cancel, that he shifts around his schedule to make it happen. It’s like a very inconvenient calendar reminder. 

It’s not Angus, though. It’s Merle. 

Taako feels suddenly vulnerable, where he is. Cross-legged, on the floor, in white silk pajamas—a silly indulgence, elves don’t sleep—but Taako loves the  _ idea  _ of pajamas, of special clothes that humans buy just to put a thin useless layer between their naked bodies and their beds. They’re for no one to see. They don’t look cute. They don’t keep you warm. They’re not sexy. They’re not multi-purpose. They’re just this pointless thing that humans like. Taako has several pairs. 

“Oh, hi, shorty,” Taako tilts up his chin. “Thought you were the boy wonder. To what do I owe the pleasure?” 

They’ve had their own rooms for months, now. They’re too  _ big a deal  _ to bunk together anymore. Taako doesn’t miss it. He doesn’t. Magnus snored, and both of them slept all ugly and weird, and he doesn’t love to be in a room with other people while he meditates, at all. He’ll do it, but he doesn’t love it. Still, it was kind of nice to have the protective thing. He does miss that, he supposes. 

“Just couldn’t sleep,” Merle admits, gruffly. “Thought I’d bug you, if you don’t mind.” 

Taako gestures grandly at his desk, and the dwarf pulls out his chair. His feet don’t touch the floor, when he sits. “You want a spell, big guy? I cast a nice friendly sleep. It’s better than warm milk.” 

“Maybe,” the dwarf says, lightly. “In a minute, I guess.” 

“Take your time, bucko. I just am chillin’ and thinkin’ about nothing much at all.” 

This is a lie, and unfortunately Merle seizes on it. “Uh-huh. No nightmares for elves, huh.” 

“Yup.” He’d honestly forgotten he’d told Merle that. “I’d recommend it. If anyone’s gonna grow you a body, I recommend pickin’ elf. It’s fuckin’ sweet.” 

“Mm, I’ll stick with dwarf,” he says dryly. “I’m used to it by now.” A pause. “Or maybe human. There’s something about them that’s interesting.”

“I’d  _ never  _ be a human,” Taako says, with vehemence that surprises himself. 

“Why?” Merle says, openly. “Magnus seems pretty happy. Too short a lifespan for you?”

No, it’s not that. It’s not—well, he gropes around for some excuse, and finds something that’s too close to the truth. “The sex would  _ suck _ , half-pint. Humans have no goddamn stamina at all.” 

“Unlike elves.” The dwarf’s words are smooth and gentle, but they still make Taako flinch. 

“Yeah, we’re fuck- _ machines _ , and don’t you forget it.” 

“I won’t,” Merle nods. “What would you pick to be? If not an elf.” 

Taako considers. He doesn’t even know why he’s playing this game, and moreover, why he tells the truth. “Dragonborn.” 

“I’ve only met a couple, I admit,” says the cleric. “How’s  _ their  _ stamina?” 

“I don’t know,” Taako says, without thinking about how revealing all this is, because Merle is gentle and he’s kind and he knows half the shit already. “I just think they look cool. Hard to fuck with.” 

“I get that.” 

They sit in companionable silence for a bit, Taako thinking about what it would be like to have scales and wings and not be anyone’s wet dream, or at least not anyone who wasn’t very eccentric. He doesn’t know what Merle is thinking about. The dwarf is looking at him a lot, though. It’s...it should be more uncomfortable than it is. 

“I’m good, half-pint. You’re staring me up like you expect me to cry.” 

“I don’t,” he nods. “Although of course you can. But I didn’t think you would.” 

“What’re you really here for.” 

“I really couldn’t sleep,” Merle shrugs. “Things have been pretty wild, lately. I get crazy dreams.” 

“Can’t relate, but sorry about it. What about?” 

“Some stuff that’s new and some that’s old.” Merle picks his nail. He’s got very rough nails, clipped down, but tough and dwarfy. Taako usually wears fake nails, because he bites his real ones down to the quick. “Tonight it was about the first time we met.” 

“I’ll never forget you hiding away to practice your cantrips,” Taako grins. “In that old wagon. What a stupid job. Can’t believe all this came of it, really.” 

Merle smiles. “I can. Gundren always had a knack for the worst trouble. I feel bad, kinda, I roped Maggie into it. And you, I guess.” 

“It was a good deed, my dude,” Taako flips his hair. “Worked out for me. And Magnus too, I reckon. I am sorry about ol’ Gundren, though.” He pauses. “And Phandalin. So maybe not a good deed in  _ general _ , but good for  _ me _ , and y’know that’s what old Taako cares about.” 

“Magnus said you were worth bringing. He said he’d worked with you, a couple jobs, and you were funny. Good spells. Good stunts. Smart in a pinch. Could take a beating.” 

Taako feels invited to preen. “Buttering me up, old man. All accurate, I think, as far as Maggie knew. You said this was a  _ bad  _ dream?”

“He also said not to touch you.” 

The elf winces visibly, but Merle just goes on. 

“He said he’d fucked up. He’d gotten in your space and you’d taken it bad. He was pretty distraught, I’ll be honest.” 

Taako scowls. He could see that, Magnus blubbering secrets over a few tankards of mead. “What’d he say to you. He’s fucking melodramatic. I just misread his signals, that’s all. No harm, no foul.” 

Merle is just looking at him, with his earnest eyes and his stupid fucking beard. “Not very many people could stumble out of what you did in Wonderland, and pick yourself up, and run and fight and save Maggie’s life.” 

“I’m special,” Taako says, but it’s not in his confident boasting voice. It’s scathing, and his arms are wrapped around himself. “I’m good for shit like that, Merle, is that what you want to hear?” 

“I don’t want to hear anything in particular. Just was thinking about it.” 

“Well, stop thinking about it. I’m good at bouncing back from getting fucked real rough and tumble. One might say it’s my  _ greatest  _ talent. I definitely learned that before I learned any goddamn cantrips.” 

A long, slow breath. “Sorry to bring it up.”

Taako’s shoves himself down, lies on his back, knee sticking up. He’d usually keep someone in his sights, when he’s feeling like this. But he trusts Merle, goddammit. Merle would save his ass from anything that came near. “You didn’t, honestly. It’s hard to fuckin’ forget right now.” 

“I can’t imagine,” Merle’s voice is quiet, but not gentle. “Just seeing you after was enough to give me nightmares. I probably should have told Maggie, but I didn’t think you’d want me to.” 

“You’re a fuckin’ lot more polite than he is,” Taako scoffs. “He’d tell you if I had a paper cut.” The elf pauses. “You can tell him if you want. But I think we’ve all got bigger things to deal with.” 

“That’s always how it is,” the dwarf intones sagely. “But I like to deal with little things, too. Do you want to talk about it?” 

“Not really,” Taako breathes out a huff, and his voice is more sincere than he’d like it to be. “But I can. I’d rather assuage your curiosity now than have you stalk me about it later.”

“I won’t badger you,” says Merle. “But I am curious what they did to you. I didn’t understand why they did it away from us, at first. They were—” he coughs “—not afraid to torture us in front of each other. But then I think I figured it out.” 

“Oh yeah?” 

“I think they’re quite genius at being cruel,” Merle presses back his hair. “That this would hurt you longer if we didn’t know. That you’d be more humiliated, to hide it. Or half-hide it. Or whathaveyou.” 

Fucking clerics and their fucking insight. “Yeah, sounds about fuckin’ right. I wouldn’t have liked you to watch, though, Merle. It wasn’t pretty.” 

“I’m sure.” 

“I dunno what it looked like, but it  _ felt  _ like getting fucked in front and behind, dry.” If he’s savage, it’s easier to say. “And then they made me beg to suck them off. It was mercy, though. They could have gone longer. A  _ hell  _ of a lot longer. They wanted me to spin body again  _ quite  _ badly, I think. I get the feeling they love going back to the well on that one.” 

“Some mercy,” Merle chokes a bit.

“It  _ was _ ,” Taako’s digging his fake nails into his arms, now. “I told you I’ve had worse and I  _ have _ , Merle. There’s a lot of things they could have done but didn’t. It was even a mercy, the spell that held me down. I would have hurt myself way fuckin’ worse struggling. I always struggle way too stupid hard. Even when there’s no point.” 

“That is a wretched thing to have to know about yourself.” 

He shrugs. “I know a lot about how much I can take, Merle. I don’t have to put it into practice much anymore. Thanks to Mags and you. And I’m just stronger now. I’m not trying to stay still for teenaged orcs anymore.” He grins bloodily. “It takes two all-powerful liches to fuck me these days, and even  _ then  _ I’d say I won.” 

“You did,” Merle nods. “And fuckin’ thank you for it.”

“Anytime, pint-size.” Taako brushes his hair back. “Can I tell you something weird?”

“Always,” the dwarf smiles. 

“It wasn’t fun. But of all the things they could have done—” he hesitates. “That’s probably the one I was most prepared for. So I’m glad for that. I know how to lie down and take it and then get back up and kill the shit out of whoever gave it to me.” He swallows, because this is probably too much, to say. “I just kept thinking,  _ what if those two assholes roll body _ . I figured y’all wouldn’t handle that so good. And no chance I was getting out of there alone. I’m glad it was me. Sorry about the ten years’ thing. I think that’s worse, all things considered. Much worse.” 

“Sounds like maybe you had a rough ten years, before we even met,” Merle says, softly.

“Eh, it had its moments,” Taako rocks up onto its heels. “I’m all good though, buddy boy. I turned out fabulous anyway.” He coughs. “You want that sleeping spell…?”

“Sure. I know it’ll drop me like a stone, so I guess cmon back to my room, or…?” 

“You can sleep here, if you like,” Taako says suddenly. “I don’t use the bed. Don’t sleep. It’s clean.” 

“Thanks, kid,” Merle crawls in, with a smile. “Just kick me out when you’re sick of me.” 

The spell is easily flipped off his fingertips, and Merle is sleeping peacefully in a second or two. Taako watches him for a minute, to make sure all is well, and then goes back to meditating. It’s easier, now, for some reason. 


	3. fermata

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **fermata  
> **  
>  (eng: “to stay, to stop”) a symbol of musical notation indicating that the note should be prolonged  
> beyond the normal duration its note value would indicate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter contains characters negotiating how to have healthy sex in the face of negative self-image, PTSD, past sexual trauma, and yet still wanting to fuck. also, light references to bondage (in a consensual BDSM context) that mostly resolves itself quickly. the sex itself is not too graphic.

Kravitz is _ravishingly_ beautiful, and Taako first asked him on a date as a joke, because he thought he’d get turned down, and he hasn’t been rejected in a while, and that’d be new. Also, possibly, Death would find it awkward after that, and Death avoiding his phone calls sounds like a good deal to Taako.

But it turns out that Kravitz looks at him in _that way_ , that dark-eyed lidded way that makes shivers run down the elf’s spine. They’re pleasant shivers, he tries to remind his body. Kravitz is fucking hot, and Taako wants to do some hot fucking with him.

It’s been a hell of a long time, though. He’d thought—long ago—that Magnus would probably fuck him at some point, because Magnus looks at him in that way. But Magnus is married to a memory, and when he’s drunk enough to stick his tongue down Taako’s throat he acts like he’s committed a carnal sin. That’s fine with Taako. Magnus is a big and strong and handsome boy but he doesn’t need all that baggage. He’s got baggage enough on his own.

Now, admittedly, a reaper probably has pretty significant baggage. Lots of _death_.

But then again, Taako’s killed a lot of people. They’re alike, in that way. Only when Kravitz does it he has to do paperwork. _Sounds like a real drag_ , Taako jokes, on their third date, and the dark humor goes over well, and one thing leads to another thing and they end up back in Kravitz’s place.

The Astral Plane is always a bit weird. Geometry doesn’t work quite right, and it’s unclear to Taako exactly how all these doodads fit neatly into the tiny little apartment without crowding each other. There’s not a lot of light, though. This whole fucking plane is lit like a middling Italian restaurant, one where they don’t want you to see the prices on the menu that well. It suits Kravitz, though, who wears dark clothes and whose eyes glow faintly red, so he’s almost just two smoldering pinpricks in the dim room.

“Shall I light some lamps?” he intones politely.

“I’ve got darkvision, babycakes,” Taako flicks his hand easily. “So do what you want.”

The ostensible reason they’re here—for Taako to take a look at a few little magic trinkets and for Kravitz to share some of his favorite cylinders (gothic dance music)—takes only about a half-hour. Then they’re just both on the couch sitting and chatting about nothing in particular. Just death and life and gods and easy stuff like that.     

The kiss, when it comes, is very _nice_ , very polite and coldly pleasant in a way that’s new to Taako but he thinks he likes. Kravitz doesn’t _force_ his tongue in, just presses it soft and tender and feels out the reaction. Taako tilts his chin up and makes a little hungry sound and puts a hand on Kravitz’s collarbone in that delicate way that men like, and opens his body language and leans back a little and pulls the waist to bring the larger man toward him, on top of him.

“Oh my,” Kravitz murmurs, smiling. “You’re eager.”

“I don’t waste time, baby,” Taako purrs, all sultry-soft but wide-eyed, not sure if he’ll be wanting a sex kitten or a fierce little tiger, yet. “You brought home the right elf.”

“I like to take it slow,” Kravitz murmurs. “But I’ve found that it’s harder around you.”

Taako laughs a little, at the innuendo, and gropes directly for his dick. “I see what you mean. What do you want, you sweet hot angel of doom. What’s in that wicked mind.”

“I am enjoying this,” the reaper murmurs, letting himself be pulled to properly sit over Taako, adjusting his knees so they’re on either side of the elf’s slender hips. The hands brush back Taako’s hair, ruck up his shirt and touch the skin, so tentative and cool against his burning body. “Where do you see it going, tonight?”

“I’m all yours for the evening,” Taako flirts through his lashes. “So how do you want me?”

The slim dark man above him breathes out slowly. “I—we—” He seems a little tongue-tied, which is unusual considering his normal smoothness. “I haven’t any dark designs. I just know that I enjoy touching you. I’d like to keep doing it, if you don’t mind.”

“So _shy_ ,” Taako giggles, and grabs one of the slender hands, and sticks two fingers in his own hot mouth. He _knows_ how men like that, when you suck them wantonly and hollow your cheeks and swirl your tongue. Kravitz does what he expects, which is breathe hard and heavy and shift his weight and look at him with dark eyes. His fingers separate a little, in Taako’s mouth, scissoring.

“ _God_ ,” Kravitz brushes back his hair, but Taako doesn’t let him withdraw his other hand, because he’s got it by the wrist. “I’m getting too excited.”

“No such thing, my dude,” Taako bucks his hips, the slightest bit, and lets Kravitz’s weight press them back down. “You get as horny as you want. I’ll jerk you off. You can fuck me. Use my mouth. I’ll eat your ass. Just say the word, you sweet thing.”

“By _Istus_ ,” the dark figure curls over him, and his eyes are burning bright. His thumb finds Taako’s throat, and the elf stills. Oh.

“Oh you’re like _that_ , then? Choking?—” he hesitates, then smoothes his tone into sultry again, strokes down the wrist. “Now _that’s_ some kink. Just tell me whether to fight you or to take it like a good whore. I’m versatile. I’ll be whatever you please.”

Kravitz pulls back, then. Rubs his hands together. “That doesn’t sit very well, Taako.”

“Sorry,” Taako says, sincerely. “Tell me what to say. I’ll make it good.”

The man is shifting off him, now, and Taako feels something shatter, a bit, as the weight goes. “You don’t have to _make_ it anything.”

This is perplexing, but the loss of touch is both perplexing and saddening. Oh, he fucked it up. Somehow. Maybe too eager. That’s what he’d said, isn’t it. He wanted to go slow. This schtick is not what Kravitz wants.

“I’m sorry,” Taako says again, drawing back. Kravitz has a knee curled up under him, and he’s just watching Taako, thinking. “Sorry. Too eager. Like you said. I’ll tone it down.Whatever you like.”

The face he gets is hard to read, in the darkness. “You’re acting like this is a performance.”

“It’s not,” Taako lies, and makes his face as innocent as he can. He’s okay at that, even though he’s screwed the pooch on this one. He doesn’t think he can sell that this is his first time—he’s clearly been far too horny for that—but maybe Kravitz _really_ wants to be his first, and he can finagle something like that. “I’m just a little nervous, gorgeous. I’ve never been with a _lich_ before. I guess I’m just trying to show off. But you’re right, I maybe should take it slow with something so new. You can teach me.”

The look he gets is burning, but in a different way. “That’s just a different lie. I don’t want that.”

Taako draws back as if struck. Oh, he’s fucked it right up now. Somehow. Two guesses wrong in a row is rare for him, but what man doesn’t want an ingenue _or_ a slut? But he’s looking at Taako as if he’s seen right through him, cut right through all his bullshit to the quick, the way that Magnus did so long ago, cut into the part of him that’s aching and green and young again.

“If you don’t want pretty lies, bubbelah, this might not work out.” Taako says, softly, and stands to go. “I’m not good for much else.”

“What does that mean,” Kravitz says, watching him, not stopping him but not forcing him away, either. It’s confusing, all this sitting and staring and not-touching and not-yelling.

“Just tell me what you want,” Taako says, voice a little raw. “I’ll do whatever it is. You don’t _have_ to fuck me. You just were hard as a rock and looking at me like—well. Taako’s game. If you’ve—” he presses through. “— _reevaluated,_ I’ll portal home, no hard feelings.”

“I like to go slow,” Death repeats, calmly. “Because a lot of people are afraid of me.”

“Okay,” Taako says, and thinks. His brain is coming up short, though, on what exactly that means. “Do you _want_ me to be afraid of you?”

“Taako,” says Kravitz, a little pained. “It’s hard to watch you do this.”

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” Taako grunts, and throws himself back on the couch with more violence than is necessary. Kravitz doesn’t flinch away, so at least that’s good. “What’s bothering you. I’m trying to get my dick wet, but apparently I’m fuckin’ out of practice.”

“I feel that,” murmurs the man beside him. “It’s been a while since I had sex, I confess.”  

Taako laughs, hollowly. “Not so for me, but definitely been a while since I went looking for it.”

Cool fingers trail up Taako’s forearm. He doesn’t look over his shoulder to see the expression. He doesn’t know what it will be, but he likes that at least he’s being touched. “When was the last time it found you?”

“In Wonderland,” Taako admits, because fuck it, he’s already completely destroyed his chances here, might as well lay out the baggage and let it be a real disaster.

Kravitz breathes out and in, twice. “So, not consensual, then.”

“What’s _consensual_ mean,” the elf bites out. “Because if it means I chose it, then I did. I picked that over some other sick twisted shit. I’ve had worse.”

“You have,” Kravitz asks, unemotionally, but rests his hand gently on the small of Taako’s back.

“Yeah, you’ve got a _real_ prize here,” Taako spits out. “You sussed it out, okay? I’m just a _whore_ , and not even a very good one, apparently. Sorry to disappoint. I’m sure you wanted something else. I can fake it, but that’s the best I got.”

The circles on his back are nice, in a distant kind of way. “May I keep doing this,” Kravitz says softly. “Or does it bother you.”

“I’m not fucking _delicate_ ,” Taako quirks his chin to the side, catches ruby eyes with his glare. “You can _touch_ me all you want _._ That’s what I’m saying. You don’t need fucking _permission._ ”

“I do need it,” Kravitz says, withdrawing his hand, delicately, and folding it on his lap. “With everyone.”

“Okay then,” Taako doesn’t know why he’s so _angry._ “Then I give you permission to touch me anywhere you want, up to and including fucking me until I scream. Happy now?”

“Not really,” the endless calm just rankles the elf more. He knows his ears are belying his mood, flat against his skull, but he can’t bring himself to perk them up, to make them light. “I’m a little worried to touch you, Taako, not because you’re delicate. You’re basically telling me that if I do something you don’t like I won’t be able to tell at all. And you’ll let me keep doing it. And I’d rather not, um, do that.”

“If you can’t tell, what’s it matter?” Taako throws out, and it’s half a stab and half just a fuckin’ honest question. “Why not just do what you like for tonight. We’re on a _third date,_ Kravitz. You can worry about what I want later. I just need to know what you want from me.”

“I’d like to go out again.” Kravitz says lowly. “I’d like to kiss you, and touch you, and have sex with you. But I’d like to know what you want from me, first. Starting to suspect we’re not going to get there fast. So if you don’t want to take the time, that’s okay, too.”

“I—” Taako gestures vaguely, confused by this. This dark and sultry creature has just said _I want to fuck you_ and also _but not until I know more about you_ and that is deeply confusing. “I honestly don’t know what I want from you, Kravitz. I’m just _willing_ . I like you. I haven’t—” Fuck it, fuck all of it, fuck this calm ridiculous sexy creature. “I’ve fucked a lot of people, okay? But it’s been _decades_ since it wasn’t—just about—something physical.” He laughs darkly. “Or money. Or a dagger at my throat. Or getting out of jail free. Or things like that. I don’t do _relationships._ I don’t know if I even _can_.”

“When was your last relationship,” Kravitz pushes right for it.

“A long time ago. When I was on TV. My bodyguard Sazed,” Taako says immediately. “It didn’t end well.”

“How so?”

“He got a bit pushy. Then I put my foot down, and he apparently killed forty people and pinned it on me. So. Yeah. I know how to pick ‘em, I guess.”

“ _Istus_ ,” Kravitz puts his hand on Taako’s back again, and then withdraws as if frustrated with his own warm impulses. “That—fuck—”

“I like you touching me,” Taako says, suddenly. “I know you’re only doing it because you’re feeling sorry for me. But I like it anyway. You can keep doing it.”

The hand returns. “I don’t really have a reason why I’m doing it,” Kravitz admits. “It’s just instinct. Although I _am_ sorry.”

“Let’s play a game,” Taako says, suddenly. “Truth or dare. I’ll go first. What do you want.”

“Truth,” Kravitz says, serenely.

“Knew it. Where are you at right now, in terms of how you want this evening to go. What is the exact thing that your heart desires most. Knowing all that shit, now. Just _tell_ me. Even if it’s me to leave.”

The lich ponders this, and rubs. “I’d like to keep talking to you. I’d like you to be less tense. I’d like to touch you more—maybe give you a massage—maybe just feel you up a bit, and see how you react, and if I can read you or if I’m just gonna be hopeless at that for a while. I’d like to sleep next to you. I’d like you to tell me a boundary, any boundary, that you don’t want me to ever do. I’d like to know that you’ll come over again, even if I didn’t do this very well, because I like your company.”

Taako hisses out a breath. “I can work with that.”

“My turn. Truth or dare.”

“Dare.”

Kravitz quirks a smile. “You were supposed to pick truth.”

“I do what I want,” Taako flips his hair.

“Okay. I dare you to tell me some things I could do that would trigger bad memories.”

“That is a truth disguised as a dare,” the elf frowns sourly. “That’s fuckin’ cheating. I thought you were all _lawful_.”

The dark head bobs a bit. “Fair. All right. Let me try again, you little chaotic creature.” He brushes a hand across his face. “I’m trying to compromise. I can see that you want to go fast. I’m guessing you want to have sex, because—” he grimaces “—well, _hopefully_ because you’re into me, and because you think that’d be kind of a promising omen for future dating.”

“You don’t have to fuck me, Krav, I already told you,” Taako gestures vaguely.

“I’m just trying to figure out what to do. Okay. Here’s your dare.” He gently tilts Taako’s chin. “I dare you to come back to my bedroom and touch _me_ however you please. And I’ll keep my hands to myself. And no matter what you do, you’re invited back. Next Friday?”

“Ooh,” Taako feels a little warmth at this. It’s the kind of dare _he_ would offer. A little too brave and too horny. A little foolish. Not exactly appropriate, to the scenario. But tempting. He wants to touch this cool, slim body. He wants to be sure that it’s receptive to his fingertips, that he’s not _totally_ out of practice, that he can do this. And the promise of no consequences is...intoxicating. Something he can’t fuck up. “Daring, you dark death-bringer. _However_ I please?”

“My safeword is _cadenza_ ,” the calm voice says. “And it’d be nice if you would tie my hands, because then it’s easier to keep my promises. But I have good self-control.”

Taako has never—he’s never—this thought makes him a little _nervous_ , actually, having a body tied up underneath him, to play with as he pleases. Thrills him, but makes him anxious. “I’ve never tied anyone up before.”

Kravitz raises an eyebrow.

“That’s not a bit. Really haven’t. I’m no top,” he gestures at himself vaguely.

“You don’t have to top anything. I just want to demonstrate that I’m quite capable of letting you set the pace. Whatever you want it to be. But you can say no, of course. If it’s not your thing.”

“I’ll take it,” Taako says, standing, pulling Kravitz after him by the hand to the bedroom.

  
  
  
  
  


The shirtless body is _beautiful_ , and Taako feels strange, to have it vulnerable and stretched below him. Death has a great wrought-iron headboard, and his hands are lashed to it now, so that he can’t let them wander. _Thank you_ , he’d said, when Taako had done that, a nice gentle little use of a first-level spell that’ll be as quick to undo as it was to set up. Kravitz seems genuinely grateful, though, because he doesn’t have to grip white-knuckled on the bar above his head and bite his lip to stop from touching the wicked little elf who’s teasing him.

“You’ve given me too much power,” Taako smiles, as he bobs up to kiss into the tender mouth, and rub his smooth face against the scratchy one below. “I could keep you like this for _hours_.”

“It’s a lot,” Kravitz admits, bucking against his hand. His dick is _dripping_ precum and has become quite warm until the ministrations. “But I’m enjoying it. Lead on, Macduff,” he quirks a smile.

“So much _wiggling_ now,” Taako scolds, as the hips continue to press up.

“It’s—involuntary—” Kravitz gasps. “Sorry.”

“Maybe I’ll just stop touching your dick entirely,” Taako teases, switching to sucking delicately on his nipples. “Maybe I’ll just touch _everywhere else_ for the _rest_ of the night. If you can’t be _good_.”

The man groans below him, but doesn’t beg. “I’ll try my best.” He hesitates, but then goes for it. Taako can see his emotions more clearly now, now that he’s nearly undone. “You can tie my feet, if it bothers you.”

Taako finds he _wants_ to, so he does; a quick flick has them stretched apart, gentle but firm pressure. His hips will still be able to buck, he thinks, so he adds a rope across the taller man’s waist and two on his knees, invents a little spell that threads the ropes briefly through another dimension and lets them be attached to the bedframe below the mattress. It’s quite secure, then. He finds he likes it. “How’d that,” he trills sweetly. He expects a safeword, honestly, because this is really _too_ much, it must be. Taako would be panicking. He would be begging. He would be offering anything.

“Nothing hurts,” Kravitz murmurs, and his voice is frail and heated and afraid and _lusty_ . “I’m really at your mercy, now. Gods, _please_ untie me when you leave.”

“That’s all? Just, all good, keep going, do what you please but don’t leave me tied down and fucked out and helpless?”

Death shivers. “If you don’t mind.”

“You don’t know how _wicked_ I can be,” Taako murmurs, trailing his hands down the pinned arms and pinching the soft flesh. “You should safeword now.”

“I will when something bothers me,” Kravitz says. “We’re getting close.”

“How do you know I’ll even _stop_ ,” Taako’s voice is somewhere between sultry and reverent, and he doesn’t even know what tone he’s going for here. He’s really asking. His hand is on Kravitz’ throat.

“I trust you. And to be honest—” he swallows, then pushes on. “You’re a very powerful wizard, Taako. With fast reflexes. Who can certainly kill a lich. I’m pretty far from my scythe right now. I’m sure you could do anything you want to me. Whether I’m tied down or not.”

“Well, hell,” Taako leans up. “This got pretty real.”

“Sorry,” Kravitz says with a little breathy laugh. “I’m in a rather vulnerable position. Honesty seemed like the best policy.”

“I’m not going to hurt you.”

“I’m glad. I trust you wouldn’t. But one can never be sure.”

This is such a strange thing to say, so calm and dispassionate, that it really freaks Taako out.

“You haven’t even _safeworded_ yet,” he says, breathily.

“No. And I will, if you do something that bothers me and I want you to know it.” Again, the pause, the thinking, and then continuing on. “Although if I made a mistake in trusting you, it’s really far too late.”

“You’re _scared_ of me,” Taako says, and flicks his wand, and lets all the bindings fall away.

“Isn’t that, um, what you’re going for?” Kravitz looks up, puzzled, sitting up. “Did I do something wrong?”

“No.” Taako worries his lip and draws himself up to sit on his knees. “And no. I don’t know what I’m going for, babe. I just go with the flow. I usually don’t get to drive.”

“Driving is stressful,” Kravitz sympathizes, pulling Taako’s sleeve gently and letting the elf fall into bed next to him. “Lots you can fuck up. I’m pretty simple, though. I like a little danger. I let myself get in over my head. And when in doubt, I tell the truth.”

“You’re beautiful,” Taako says, tucking his head into the crook of Kravitz’s neck. “I _liked_ it. I’m sorry I got carried away.”

“You really didn’t,” the lich murmurs, drawing a hand down Taako’s back.

“I understand a little better, now,” Taako lets the nausea settle in his stomach. “Why you were so freaked out. It’s a lot of power, to decide for the other person. What they’re ready for.”

“Was I freaked out?” Kravitz says with amusement.

Taako narrows his eyes. “You were. When I was telling you I was game for anything. I think you get _extra_ calm when you’re freaked out.”

“Guilty,” Kravitz laughs a little. “It’s helpful to me to clear my mind. And it tends to put other people more at ease.” He grimaces. “Actually, that’s not quite true. People find it unsettling, sometimes. If I’m too calm under duress. It tends to…” he flicks his eyes toward Taako nervously. “It tends to make people push for a reaction. Which can be fun. Or very, very not-fun.”

“I’m sorry,” Taako buries his face in Kravitz’ chest, and wonders how he could possibly have done worse now than he had before.

“Don’t be sorry. That was fun. I _like_ that kind of thing. It turns me on, to be—” he licks his lips, as if they’re dry. “To be tied up. The magic is just a—a new twist to it. I like the immediacy of it. No fumbling with knots. But it did make me a little twitchy. How fast it was.”    

“I won’t do it again,” Taako says, holding himself. “I would hate that. I would feel so helpless. I would beg and plead. I would let anyone fuck me, any way they wanted, rather than that. As long as I could get a handle on the situation. As long as I _felt_ like I could fight back some control. Even if it’s just convincing someone that I want it.”

Kravitz strokes down his back. “We’ve got some different feelings there. Good to know. I like to _not_ drive, all things being equal. I can do both. But I _like_ being helpless. I trust you. It’s a turn-on, for me.”

“So why the…” Taako gestures. “Morbid talk. About how I could kill you.”  

“It’s my fault. I should have mentioned.” He pauses. “Most people I fuck didn’t tie me down with tentacles at our first meetcute, yknow? So I have to kind of integrate that visceral reaction.”

“Oh,” Taako breathes. He hadn’t _forgotten_ the crystal golem that was Kravitz, way back when, but it _had_ been a while and that wasn’t even his _body_ , and he just hadn’t thought… “You won that fight, though. You knocked me clean out.”

“I did. And sorry about that,” Kravitz pets him. “But I didn’t _win_ . I just _ran_. And I did, quite reasonably think that you might kill me there. You probably would have, if I’d stayed.”

Taako thinks about that. He’s never fucked _anyone_ he’s almost killed before, he’s fairly sure. Those people don’t tend to stay around for long. “Shit. I didn’t think—” he wondered if Kravitz’s cool stony face had hidden a little expression of panic, when he felt tendrils wrapping tight around him again, holding him still. _Maybe this has all been a long con_ , Taako would have thought, in his position. _Maybe I’m finally right where he wants him. Time to find out how he killed those_ _other_ _liches who tried to fuck him. He’s so much stronger now. The Raven Queen probably won’t even care._

“Whatever you’re thinking, I’m not that upset,” a voice breaks in gently. “It did give me a spot of panic, but I do know you a _little_ bit. I don’t think you’re the type to play with your prey that much.”

“I don’t play like that,” Taako feels sick, still. He might puke. 

“I know.” Kravitz is holding him. “Neither do I.” 

They sit like that, a while, until Taako’s stomach and Kravitz’s breathing return to something approximating normal. It’s not sexy, but it’s not scary, either, lying in his arms. It doesn’t feel like it’s going anywhere. Or that it has to. 

Kravitz shifts a little, up on an elbow, after their short rest. “Let’s go to bed. I mean, like, get ready for sleep. If you want to sleep here…?” 

“I feel like I fucked up, pumpkin,” Taako rubs a hand across his eyes. “And neither of us got what we wanted.”

The lich shrugs. “I’m not going to take what I want from you. I don’t even  _ want  _ anything from you. I just like you.” He smiles. “I’d like you to tie me up again, someday. I’ll get over the gut reaction after a couple more times. I really  _ am  _ fond of it, and I suspect you’ll like it too.” 

“Let me at least jerk you off,” Taako says suddenly, because although neither of them is hard anymore he feels so  _ guilty _ . 

“I really just want to hold you,” Kravitz admits. “Is that all right?”

Taako’s good, with that.  

**Author's Note:**

> editing a little rough because this one just wrote itself in a 3hr burst and i let it lie.
> 
> comments are moderated   
> because trauma & explicit content are kinda my brand  
> and there's no way to DM me on AO3.   
> so if you'd like to shoot me comment but keep it private   
> write PLEASE DELETE and i'll just read it and do so.


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